


I Want You More Than Anything

by Glass_Oceans



Series: The Ficlet Collection [59]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 13:12:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14770277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glass_Oceans/pseuds/Glass_Oceans
Summary: For the 'ways you said "I Love You" prompts I'd love to see Kylux and 32. "in a way I can't return"





	I Want You More Than Anything

**Author's Note:**

> Content notes: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ex's to Lovers

Kylo started as he heard the key turn in the door, and stood up quickly as Hux withdrew his key and pushed the door open. He froze for a moment when he say Kylo, but his face quickly smoothed out as he closed the door.

"I wasn't expecting you still to be here," Hux said coolly as he set down his groceries to shrug off his jacket.

Kylo swallowed hard and tried to imitate the distance in Hux's voice.

"It, ah, took longer than I was expecting," Kylo replied. "I'll be out of here shortly."

"Well, don't let me interrupt you."

Kylo watched as Hux picked up his bags and passed into the kitchen, without so much as glancing at him. He could hear the rustle of the bags as Hux set them on the kitchen table, followed by the low noises of jars being placed into the cupboard. The bottles on the fridge door rattled as Hux opened and closed it, and Kylo thought back to how he'd follow Hux into the kitchen, wrapping himself around him as he grumbled about trying to put the groceries away. He never tried too hard to get away though, even on the occasion that Hux had opened the chocolate spread and spread a dollop on his nose to try and dissuade him. It hadn't worked, though it had made the cleanup interesting.

Kylo swallowed past the lump in his chest and bent to zip his bag closed as the fridge rattled again. There wasn't much more he had to do, and Rey was waiting downstairs to bring him back to her apartment until he got a new place. Kylo stepped out into the hall, picking up the pile on mail on the table to remove the bills addressed to him when Hux addressed him from the kitchen.

"Your leather jacket is still in the wardrobe," he said. He had a bottle of wine on the table, and two glasses. Kylo guessed that Phasma would be over later to help him celebrate getting the place to himself again.

"Right," Kylo muttered, dropping the pile of mail to go into their- Hux's bedroom.

The bed linen was a set Kylo hadn't seen before, but no surprise there. Hux had been trying to remove his presence from the apartment since the night he'd walked out. Kylo crossed the room and yanked open the door of the wardrobe. Hux's suits, jumpers and jacket were all hanging there, neatly pressed, and in the other half empty end, his battered jacket hung on a lone hanger.

Kylo whipped the jacket out, making the hanger rattle against the wardrobe walls, and was about to slam the door closed when he spotted a shoe box in the bottom of the wardrobe. Hux was meticulous about his shoe care; all shoes were polished and spaced on a rack that even now sat beside the wardrobe. The boxes were broken down and recycled, never kept. Kylo reached down to pick up the box, feeling the weight inside shift as he lifted it. He backed up until he felt the bed against the back of his legs, then threw the jacket onto it, and sat down with the box on his legs. He knew he shouldn't go through Hux's stuff, but this wasn't like him. He had to know.

Kylo lifted the lid and found a jumble of paper inside. There were letters, receipts, old cards, even some photographs, creased at the edges. He started to leaf through the contents, lifting up the pages to dig further down, but it wasn't until he caught at the edge of one of the cards and it fell open that he realised what it was.

 _Happy Valentine's!_ the card read, in his own terrible hand writing. _Your present is in the bedroom ;)_

Kylo huffed a laugh at his own bad attempt at actually writing an emoji, but was soon distracted by the rest of the box's contents. Everything in the box was something he'd written to Hux, birthday cards, anniversary cards. Sometimes just random notes he'd written and stuck to the fridge to let him know he'd be late from work this evening, or a sappy message because he felt like it, all of them had keep kept in this box. He had almost gotten to the bottom of the box when a shadow darkened the door. He looked up to see Hux standing there, his eyes fixed on the box in Kylo's lap.

"I wondered what was taking you so long," Hux said.

Kylo dropped his gaze back to the box in his hands, running his fingers over all the papers, unwilling to give up Hux's secret.

"I thought you'd thrown out all these things," Kylo said, knowing the words were wrong as soon as he said them. He looked up to see Hux's face twist as words hit home. His hands curled into fists by his sides, and in his mind's eye, Kylo could see the indents that he would leave on his palms.

"I kept everything," Hux spat. "I know I'm not like you Kylo, but I'm not some..." Hux paused, nostrils flaring, "some unfeeling bastard as you seem to think."

Kylo flinched to hear this own words thrown back at him, things he'd screamed in the moment before he'd walked out. With a mind of their own, his fingers kept carding through the papers in the box until he got to the bottom. Almost stuck to the bottom, translucent with age and grease was a receipt. The bill itself was long faded and the numbers scrawled on the back were half gone, but Kylo remembered that night vividly.

He'd only been on his second drink, but he felt completely gone, invincible and terrified both as he'd spent most of the night chatting up a gorgeous red-head with a half-sour expression on his face. Kylo had been determined to make him smile, and regarded each smirk, covered up rapidly by Hux's hand as he fought to keep his expression neutral as part of the game, as a victory which made him feel lightheaded. As the night went on, when Hux tried to hide his smile, Kylo had grabbed his hand instead, pressing a kiss to the back of his knuckles. Hux didn't take his hand back and his smile had spread. At the end of the night, he's scrawled his number on the back of his bar tab receipt, though he only half expected to hear from Hux again. When he woke up the next morning to Hux's text, he felt like the luckiest man alive.

Kylo snapped back to reality as the box was removed from his lap, Hux shuffling the papers to lay them flat before closing the box again. He held onto the box a moment longer than necessary before turning and placing it in the wardrobe again, closing the door to block it from sight. As he stood Kylo reached out and took his hand. Hux didn't pull away.

"You've still got it," Kylo said. "You've gotten rid of everything else."

Kylo could feel the tension of Hux's body through his hand, but he didn't answer the question hidden in Kylo's words. Kylo watched as he opened his mouth a few times, taking a breath, but no words followed. Kylo felt like he was walking on ice as he lifted Hux's hand and kissed his knuckles.

"I miss you," he whispered against Hux's skin. He kept Hux's hand against his lips, breathing in the scent that was just him, and felt his eyes begin to sting. He didn't want to give this up.

"I'm sorry," he said as the first tear slipped free, sliding down his cheek. "I'm so sorry."

Kylo sobbed in silence, clutching Hux's hand like a lifeline. He'd never been more scared in his life, to know that Hux was only standing there now out of pity, how he'd driven away the one person who meant more to him than everything in the world, but he couldn't bring himself to let go; physically, emotionally...

Kylo's breath shuddered and caught as he felt Hux's other hand come to land lightly on his hair, petting it gently. He let go of Hux's other hand then, wrapping his arms around Hux's hips and holding him tight as he sobbed against his stomach, feeling both of his hands now sweeping through his hair.

"I'm sorry," he said, unsure if he was apologising for what he'd done, or the stains that would now be on the front of Hux's shirt, or just everything that he was.

"I know," Hux replied above him, equally quiet, hands moving gently. He kept up the motion until Kylo stilled, his tears drying up. He shifted slightly, adjusting his weight, but made no other movement. Kylo closed his eyes, trying to imagine for a moment that things were as they were before, that everything could go back to normal. He blinked his eyes open again, staring at the off-white walls that seemed to confirm in their blandness that nothing had changed.

"Hux?"

"Hmm?"

"Do...do you think there...might still be a chance? For us?"

Hux's hands stilled and Kylo tried to not react to the ball of ice that appeared suddenly in his stomach. He felt Hux's hands drift down to his shoulders, just resting there, but Kylo took it as his cue to release his grip and look up at him. Hux looked down at him, before raising one hand and brushing away the tear tracks on his skin.

"I miss you too, Kylo," he started, "but I can't... I don't do things like you do."

Hux's fingers seemed to be reluctant to stop touching him, and continued to walk along his jaw line, brushing along the stubble on his cheeks.

"And you need to decide if you can accept that," Hux said, his hand falling to Kylo's shoulder again.

Kylo's eyes fell to the still wet stains on Hux's shirt, the ones that he had left there. Kylo was so used to just...reacting, to acting out. It came from his parents he supposed, but it was just how he was. Hux was different; so reserved, closed up in comparison. They'd made it work once, even if they hadn't really known what they were doing.

"I want to," Kylo said, looking back up at Hux. "I want you more than anything."

Hux smiled and Kylo felt his heart lifting for the first time in days.

"I want to try."

Hux lifted his hands to Kylo's face, holding him there as he leaned down to kiss him.

"That's all I ask."


End file.
